This article was inspired by whoever wrote the confession articles on the Biggerstaff spot. It gave me the idea to write this, because there’s a lot of things I haven’t told anyone before, and who better to tell first than my greatest friends? I have a lot to confess, but please don’t worry about me – I’m fine now, I promise. Most of this is stuff from the past, but I’d like someone to know, so I’m confessing.
Oh, and this might be confusing to read. It’s not really organized or anything. :L
#1 – Depression
I’m not clinically depressed or anything, but a while ago, I used to get super depressed, and sometimes it was over nothing. Like I’d be “fine” one second and then depressed the next, but most of the time, I was just pretending to be okay. I was upset all the time, I felt no one cared; I felt un-loved, and I felt as though I couldn’t talk to anyone. I’ve never really been much of a talker; I’ve almost always dealt with everything on my own – when I could. Why was I upset? That’s a good question…
#2 – ”Not Good Enough”
That phrase has been imprinted into my mind for so long; I find it very hard to believe when people say good things about me. My parents always used to tell me that I “could be better”, and I guess somewhere along the way, “could be better” turned into “not good enough”. After that I started looking down on myself, and thought nothing I did was ever enough. I suppose my parents saw that, because then they started to tell me that I AM good enough. When they did that, I started to feel better, and looked down on myself less. But I still find it hard to believe when people say I’m ‘amazing’ or ‘awesome’, I think I’m just an ordinary girl, and there’s nothing special about me.
#3 – It’s My Fault
I always blame everything on myself. Everything that goes wrong in the lives of people I love is my fault. ‘I could have done something, anything, to make them feel better. I failed them.’ Because of thinking I’m not good enough for so long, I started to think everything that went wrong was my fault. I still do blame myself, just not as much as I did before. Even when something happens that is out of my control – like when friends harm themselves, even if they did before I knew them – I feel it’s my fault. I should have done something to help, and I didn’t, so it IS my fault they’re hurt/upset.
#4 – Love
I think I’m bi, or possible even gay. I think, I’m not sure… I mean, I’ve been in love with a girl before… One again, I’m not sure about that. I suppose you have to be in love to be heartbroken, so yeah, I was in love. I never told her, which is a good thing, I suppose, since I’m starting to get over it – a little. I’m not very knowledgeable about being in love and being heartbroken and whatnot. Edit:Guess I'm not over it... yet?
#5 – Family
My family is amazing. But admittedly, I did used to have a somewhat bad relationship with my parents. Sometimes they made me feel unloved, and uncared for. They also made me feel like I was never good enough and I never told anyone how hurt I was by it. Partially because I didn’t know how and partly because I didn’t want to. I’m glad all that is over. Oh, and sometimes I’ve also felt my family (not like mom and dad, but grandmother and other relations) didn’t like me as much as they did my brother(s).
#6 – Self-Esteem
I don’t think I have an issue now about low self-esteem, but I used to. I used to think I was ugly and was very shy about talking to people; I felt I wasn’t interesting or nice to talk to or anything. Now, I don’t exactly think I’m pretty or confident or interesting, I just don’t think too badly about myself either. Perhaps it’s because I taught myself not to care too much about what others thought and just have fun.
#7 – No Love
I used to feel unloved a LOT. I think I did the wrong thing when trying to deal with this; I reinforced the idea in my mind that no one cared. At first it was hard, because at first I wanted someone to care; I wanted someone to be there for me. But then I slowly started to get used to the idea of being alone. So really, loneliness isn’t a new concept to me. However when I met you guys, and other amazing friends on here, I thought that maybe there ARE people who care about me. It was odd; feeling cared for, after such a long time of feeling alone.
#8 – My Personality
I’m a very caring person, I’ll give myself that much. I can feel others’ pain as though it’s my own, because I think I’m pretty good at putting myself in others’ shoes and relate to how they’re feeling. I think that’s one of the reasons I blame myself so much, because I relate so well and want to save the people I love from feeling any pain. But I also think I don’t know myself very well… I also keep my emotions bottled up inside of me and rarely talk to anyone if I’m feeling upset or angry or anything. But lately that’s been changing too, I’m becoming more open because I feel sick of keeping my emotions inside of me.
#9 – Cutting
I started cutting around January 11th-ish, I can’t remember the exact date. I stopped soon after, but then I started again, and it kept going on and off. Currently I’ve stopped. But when thinking about it, I’ve realized I’ve always done it – just on a MUCH smaller scale. Like when I’m upset or angry, I would dig my fingernails into my arm, and the pain would help me. It’s not really good, but I’ve always done it. It’s hard to stop now. I don’t even ‘cut’ anymore; I just scratch myself, lighter than I did before.
#10 – Suicide
I've considered it. And not just when I was feeling very depressed, it was always a thought going around in the back of my head. It haunted me. Once before I actually thought of ways I could kill myself. I got a) jumping out into Niagara Falls, b) a gun, and c) a knife. I didn’t like these ideas, at all. But I was still thinking about it. I tried to get myself to stop thinking about suicide, but… it was hard. Although now I have stopped thinking about it.
Anyways, thanks for reading. Try not to worry about me; I’m fine now, honest! All of this is just something I want to get off my chest. I love you guys ^^
Oh, and if you guys want to know more, just ask, please. Any questions, like what/who helped me, when it happened, why, just ask, and I'll try and answer them. :P
Oh, and this might be confusing to read. It’s not really organized or anything. :L
#1 – Depression
I’m not clinically depressed or anything, but a while ago, I used to get super depressed, and sometimes it was over nothing. Like I’d be “fine” one second and then depressed the next, but most of the time, I was just pretending to be okay. I was upset all the time, I felt no one cared; I felt un-loved, and I felt as though I couldn’t talk to anyone. I’ve never really been much of a talker; I’ve almost always dealt with everything on my own – when I could. Why was I upset? That’s a good question…
#2 – ”Not Good Enough”
That phrase has been imprinted into my mind for so long; I find it very hard to believe when people say good things about me. My parents always used to tell me that I “could be better”, and I guess somewhere along the way, “could be better” turned into “not good enough”. After that I started looking down on myself, and thought nothing I did was ever enough. I suppose my parents saw that, because then they started to tell me that I AM good enough. When they did that, I started to feel better, and looked down on myself less. But I still find it hard to believe when people say I’m ‘amazing’ or ‘awesome’, I think I’m just an ordinary girl, and there’s nothing special about me.
#3 – It’s My Fault
I always blame everything on myself. Everything that goes wrong in the lives of people I love is my fault. ‘I could have done something, anything, to make them feel better. I failed them.’ Because of thinking I’m not good enough for so long, I started to think everything that went wrong was my fault. I still do blame myself, just not as much as I did before. Even when something happens that is out of my control – like when friends harm themselves, even if they did before I knew them – I feel it’s my fault. I should have done something to help, and I didn’t, so it IS my fault they’re hurt/upset.
#4 – Love
I think I’m bi, or possible even gay. I think, I’m not sure… I mean, I’ve been in love with a girl before… One again, I’m not sure about that. I suppose you have to be in love to be heartbroken, so yeah, I was in love. I never told her, which is a good thing, I suppose, since I’m starting to get over it – a little. I’m not very knowledgeable about being in love and being heartbroken and whatnot. Edit:Guess I'm not over it... yet?
#5 – Family
My family is amazing. But admittedly, I did used to have a somewhat bad relationship with my parents. Sometimes they made me feel unloved, and uncared for. They also made me feel like I was never good enough and I never told anyone how hurt I was by it. Partially because I didn’t know how and partly because I didn’t want to. I’m glad all that is over. Oh, and sometimes I’ve also felt my family (not like mom and dad, but grandmother and other relations) didn’t like me as much as they did my brother(s).
#6 – Self-Esteem
I don’t think I have an issue now about low self-esteem, but I used to. I used to think I was ugly and was very shy about talking to people; I felt I wasn’t interesting or nice to talk to or anything. Now, I don’t exactly think I’m pretty or confident or interesting, I just don’t think too badly about myself either. Perhaps it’s because I taught myself not to care too much about what others thought and just have fun.
#7 – No Love
I used to feel unloved a LOT. I think I did the wrong thing when trying to deal with this; I reinforced the idea in my mind that no one cared. At first it was hard, because at first I wanted someone to care; I wanted someone to be there for me. But then I slowly started to get used to the idea of being alone. So really, loneliness isn’t a new concept to me. However when I met you guys, and other amazing friends on here, I thought that maybe there ARE people who care about me. It was odd; feeling cared for, after such a long time of feeling alone.
#8 – My Personality
I’m a very caring person, I’ll give myself that much. I can feel others’ pain as though it’s my own, because I think I’m pretty good at putting myself in others’ shoes and relate to how they’re feeling. I think that’s one of the reasons I blame myself so much, because I relate so well and want to save the people I love from feeling any pain. But I also think I don’t know myself very well… I also keep my emotions bottled up inside of me and rarely talk to anyone if I’m feeling upset or angry or anything. But lately that’s been changing too, I’m becoming more open because I feel sick of keeping my emotions inside of me.
#9 – Cutting
I started cutting around January 11th-ish, I can’t remember the exact date. I stopped soon after, but then I started again, and it kept going on and off. Currently I’ve stopped. But when thinking about it, I’ve realized I’ve always done it – just on a MUCH smaller scale. Like when I’m upset or angry, I would dig my fingernails into my arm, and the pain would help me. It’s not really good, but I’ve always done it. It’s hard to stop now. I don’t even ‘cut’ anymore; I just scratch myself, lighter than I did before.
#10 – Suicide
I've considered it. And not just when I was feeling very depressed, it was always a thought going around in the back of my head. It haunted me. Once before I actually thought of ways I could kill myself. I got a) jumping out into Niagara Falls, b) a gun, and c) a knife. I didn’t like these ideas, at all. But I was still thinking about it. I tried to get myself to stop thinking about suicide, but… it was hard. Although now I have stopped thinking about it.
Anyways, thanks for reading. Try not to worry about me; I’m fine now, honest! All of this is just something I want to get off my chest. I love you guys ^^
Oh, and if you guys want to know more, just ask, please. Any questions, like what/who helped me, when it happened, why, just ask, and I'll try and answer them. :P