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Writing Question

can you help me with my story? comment it.. please and thankyou(*

"I love you" He said.
"I love you...too. I said.
I was starring into his adoring
light blue eyes.
Mark was beautiful.
He was a caring, smart, brave
guy. And that's why I love him.
He bent down to slowly touch my lips.
But he paused. "What"? I asked.
"I'm not sure if I should..."
I leaned up and kissed him.
The feel of his soft gentle lips.
I remember not wanting to let go.. but
he forced me back. He looked down
and said "you should get home...
your mom's problebly worried".
"O..okay". I whispered. We
headed back to his car.Holding hands and such.
"Bye" He whispered..."I love you".
"I love you, too."
"Text me... okay".
"Okay".
And then he left. Letting me just stand
in the front porch.
Tears building in my eyes as I walked
into the abandoned house.
"My mom's not even here". I said.
I was pissed off.
I ran to my room, crying.
All I remember was crying and crying
then it went blank.
*
hey um like is this the first ch? cause i really dont get it @ all and there is not much discriptions and like id even think it has a plot
2dolphn97 posted over a year ago
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yeaah I noow...i waas jusst writing random thingss lool...i.ll makee it better soone(:
klarissa03 posted over a year ago
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By the way, don't describe someone too often. If you say their eye colour you probably only need to say it once, twice, three times max in a whole book. That is where SMeyer went wrong.
1-2vampire posted over a year ago
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yah like if you make it into a story and add more detail and all that crap i will most likely read it keep up the good work :) its good though definately if u make a stor y u should use that as a cene but make it more discriptive
2dolphn97 posted over a year ago
 klarissa03 posted over a year ago
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Writing Answers

bri-marie said:
I agree with Auquamarina about the descriptions of the boy and showing, not telling. Don't tell us he's oh-so-wonderful (which, yeah, Gary-stus are very bad and boring. Make him realistic and flawed) show us.

Keep your tenses - you switch back and forth. "Said" is past while "was staring" is (generaly) present.

Where are they? How old are they? What does the girl look like? How long have they been together? Is Mark out-of-character or is his behavior normal? There's so many things you need to expand upon to make it . . . make sense.

Watch your spelling/grammar/punctuation!!

Why is this in this poem-like format? It should be in a paragraph/story-like format. It's hard to read this way, since sentences are chopped up.
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posted over a year ago 
Aquamarina said:
Remembers me strongly of Twilight... :/
Please stop writing about how beautiful and great a boy is!! Sorry, but I find that really annoying.
Don't just say how he is, but show it to the reader! E.g., describe situations where we can see that he's brave, smart or caring. Oh, and don't make him perfect! Flaws are often much more likeable than faultless Gary Stues!
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posted over a year ago 
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i know!
1-2vampire posted over a year ago
mitchie19 said:
It's very good. Are they in a relationship?
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posted over a year ago 
halunik said:
I think, that the begginings is pretty interesting and you should write more. Like why did he hold back. It may remind Twilight story but you can develop it in the completely different way. Like maybe he's in a relationship with another girl and he doesn't know how to choose or something like that. :) wish you good luck with writing :)
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posted over a year ago 
sehdt said:
Well I am impressed. Its a good start. Dont forget that rereading and editing is important. i am busy editing 7000 words of a story that has changed a lot since I first started it. Hope thats helpful.
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posted over a year ago 
ruby1000 said:
I really like the writing style and the content but I think that it needs a bit more discription.
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posted over a year ago 
1-2vampire said:
I don't get it. Why was she pissed off? Because he left her? Sorry, bit too... Twilight. Sorry, well at least there's no sparkly things.
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posted over a year ago 
Allieee said:
I like it , but it left me confused ...
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posted over a year ago 
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