Writing Writer's Group session: 1 September 2008

harold posted on Sep 02, 2008 at 05:03AM
OK, so the next session of our writer's group, starting a little later than previously. A small change to our format: you are encouraged to post something you are writing, for feedback. You may post this at any time in the next five days. However, whether or not you have writing you'd like to share, you may also respond to one of the writing prompts in the next 24 hours, until 06:12 AM GMT on Wednesday, 2 September. If you post - or if you've said that you'll participate in our group - please read what others post and provide feedback before next Monday.

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The Prompt:

Take a recent conversation you've heard or participated in and re-write it, changing some aspect to render it as fiction.

Alternative Prompt:

If you prefer, try starting a piece with the sentence "This is no time for _________."

Again, you may post your response to the prompt(s) in the next twenty-four hours, and then provide your feedback to what others post during the rest of the week. As an alternative (or in addition), you may post something you're working on writing sometime in the next five days. Remember the Three Fs, and get writing, writers!

* Follow (that is, read the material posted each week)
* Feedback (provide feedback)
* Fairness (try to be fair with your subjective feedback, and don't be attacking)
last edited on Sep 02, 2008 at 05:06AM

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over a year ago harold said…
Here's something I've been working on:

"At 10, Erik was a big kid. More than five feet tall and six stone, the boy was a terror on the playground. He shambled around at recess, often called "Godzilla" by smaller kids who would run near and then sprint away. Sometimes he caught one of them and, uncertain what to do, would shake them a little. Usually he just ended up in tears, crying softly in the bathroom until someone came in, forcing him to chase them away with a yell. His size was no benefit in the sports activities: while he could sometimes kick the ball past the outfield, he couldn't run the bases in kickball, and he just didn't have the dexterity to catch the ball in dodgeball. He was thus often one of the last two kids picked for a team, him and Elmer, who had apparently stopped growing in the second grade and had a bone spur his parents couldn't afford to fix sticking out of his chest.
Sometimes Erik's parents would take him out for ice cream after school. He loved that time; the sundaes were great, but it was also one of the few times his parents spent time with him. They were very busy with work most of the time, and the ice cream days were the only times he saw both of them together. The rest of the days were spent at home, watching cartoons, playing video games, breaking his various toys and playing with his kitten. The kitten was his delight. This month kitty was orange and liked to get into a lot of mischief.

After she showed an interest in climbing, Erik would help her up onto various high perches around the house. The mantle was particularly fun, because kitty succeeded in knocking down almost everything up there. A lot of stuff broke, but Erik knew that he wouldn't get in trouble. It was kitty who did it, after all, and she'd be gone soon enough. Erik liked to feed kitty from the table during dinnertime with his dad, and he'd giggle as she licked his fingers. Kitty would sleep on his pillow every night and wrestle with him in the morning as he got ready for school. Kitty would cuddle his feet as he ate breakfast with his mom before leaving for school. Erik loved his kitty.

Erik played with kitty every day for close to five weeks, but by the sixth week he started playing his new video games more again, on the sixth week he decided he wanted to finish the latest Resident Evil game, and by the seventh Monday since his parents brought kitty home for their boy, Erik chased the maturing cat out of the house before locking the door and leaving for school. By the end of the week, he'd have a new kitten. He loved kittens. Kittens were cute. He didn't have much use for cats.

****

Alfonse shifted his backpack straps as he walked home. A new girl, Coral, had transferred to his class, and all he could think of was her face, framed by curly hair, and the self-assurance she exhibited even though she was new to the school. He was fascinated. He found a stick on the ground and started fighting off bad guys, whipping off the ripe milkweed pods in old Mister Miller's overgrown front yard, all to rescue the fair damsel Coral. Just as he was about to snatch her from the jaws of the dragon, the evil Doctor Blankership shot him in the back with an arrow. Alfonse wheeled around, gasping, and threw his trusty blade to pierce the blackguard's heart before falling to his knees, overcome by the poison on his nemesis' clothyard. He trembled, quaked, tried to foam at the mouth but gave up after a moment, and expired. Would Coral care? Would she cry? Would she raise a memorial to her fallen hero? Something bumped his leg, and Alfonse opened his eyes. A cat had come up and rubbed against him while he lay there. It wasn't unusual to see a cat around here, of course - there were dozens of the feral animals all over the neighborhood, a fact which drove Mr. Bilagang up the wall - but he'd never seen one come up to him like this. Alfonse got to his feet, looking at the cat curiously as he collected his books and reloaded his backpack. The cat was orange, not quite fully grown, with no collar, and continued to try to rub at his legs. He looked around, at a loss for who around here would have had a cat to lose. Mr. Miller kept dogs who barked all day and ran through the streets at night, crapping all over everything. Mr. Bilagong hated all animals and has succeeded at running over at least a couple of the feral cats that Alfonse had seen. Mrs. Jenkins didn't come out of her house most days, and Alfonse doubted she had the energy to look after such a young animal. Doug was blind and had a great Lab, Jerry, who helped him get around town, but Alfonse had never seen him with a cat. The Uternas had a house full of teenagers all the time, with lots of parties and stuff like that; they couldn't take care of a pet either. Alfonse shrugged; he didn't know whose cat this was, but it sure was nice. He hoped whoever'd lost it would find it again. He crouched down, held out his hand, and gave it a rub on the back when it didn't run away. "Bye, kitty! Hope you find your way home!"

Alfonse had walked a full block, hurrying a little because he was late, before he realized his shoelace had come undone. He'd noticed that Coral's mom came to pick her up from school today, and hoped that she didn't choose that moment to drive past...a car approached and Alfonse stood up and peered at the car while trying to look like he had a reason to be standing in the middle of the block like that. It wasn't Coral. Wasn't her mom's car blue, too? He bent down again and the cat was there, looking at him. "Go home, kitty! Shoo!" Alfonse waved his hand at the cat, who merely blinked. He shook his head and started walking again. After a few steps, he looked back. The cat stopped and licked its paw. "Get out of here!" Alfonse yelled, and ran at the cat so that it had to flee or be trampled. It scampered across the street. Alfonse watched it for a moment, and then, satisfied that it wasn't going to turn around and start following him again, he continued on home. He thought of Coral and felt his face getting hot. He started to run, his body pounding from side to side with the awkward weight of his backpack shifting on his back. He turned left onto Archer Lane and drew up short. The cat was sitting there, next to the juniper bush on the corner. "Wha..?" he began, and the cat walked to him and started rubbing against his shins.

He looked around, making sure that nobody would see him, and then leaned down and scratched behind the cat's ears. "I guess you were feeling lonely, huh?" The cat nuzzled his hand. "You're a good cat. What are you doing away from home?" When he started to remove his hand, the cat pushed up onto its hind legs to push Alfonse's hend with its head. He laughed; he'd never seen a cat do that before. Aunt Clara's cat, Harry, was playful at times, but never this affectionate. After a few minutes more, Alfonse realized how late it was and hurried down the street to his house. "Goodbye, cat! Maybe I'll see you tomorrow!" "
over a year ago kateliness2 said…
harold, I only have time to critique your first piece, but here goes:

Overall, I liked it. I really enjoy stories that make me think, and this made me want to sit the boy down and do some sort of psychoanalysis.
Some suggestions: In the first paragraph, I would include some sort of specific example of how he is not included or made fun of. I get a good feel of what usually happens on the playground, but I think I could empathize better if there were a specific example. Then again, you may be trying to keep the story distant, or so the reader does not try to relate to Erik, as you're making him out to be a character where not all is right in the head. Either way, it is still a good first paragraph and sets up the rest of the story nicely.
This may just be me, but it felt like a big 'jump' between the first and second paragraphs. Maybe if you moved some of the things at the end of the second paragraph to the beginning, it would feel less so, because it would emphasize his friendless situation and you could see why he values the time with his parents so much and his kitten.
I think that: Not liked on playground --> No friends and often plays by himself ---> Parents' relationship --> Kitten flows better than: Not liked on playground --> Parents' relationship --> No friends and often plays by himself -->Kitten.
Again, it still works either way and is well written :)

I really like the final two paragraphs, although I must say, I was very creeped out at the end ;)

All in all, great job! =)

edit: grammar error
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago harold said…
Thanks for your feedback. I see what you mean, I think.

Now, normally I don't like it when people explain their work, but I wanted to point out that I didn't post two separate pieces: it's all one. It's a fragment, true: the beginning of a larger piece I've been writing, as a project to post here on Fanpop in installments.
over a year ago PkmnTrainerJ said…
Just a quick note, this is bookmarked, and I shall write a piece during the week when I have more free time
over a year ago kateliness2 said…
I'm sorry :(

I didn't read the second part... I assumed (I should never do that!) that it was a separate piece because of the asterisks. Sorry!
over a year ago l3371 said…
Hey! I'm gonna post somethin' tomarrow.PROMISE,Harold!
over a year ago blisslikethis said…
sorry guys, i won't be able to post this time around as the new semester just started today and i'm super busy! hopefully next time :)
over a year ago marissa said…
The Prompt:

Take a recent conversation you've heard or participated in and re-write it, changing some aspect to render it as fiction.


Recently at work I had a very interesting conversation with a very convinced little girl...

Jane walked out of the house just before it got dark to take a look at her rose garden. It really was a beautiful garden and mother had made it Jane’s job to tend to it. Despite the fact that she was still dressed in the nice clothes she had worn into town that day, she kneeled down at the edge of the garden.

Her heart fluttered a little. Would it be there?

She gently piled a little more soil around a new plant that must not have been strong enough to take the last big wind storm. Smiling, she hummed softly. Jane loved her roses.

A light turned on in the window just above her. Her father was in there, reading, probably. He’d soon notice she was gone. And he had no time for her gardening.

But this was more then just gardening.

She pulled a dry little leaf out of the dirt and tossed it onto the grass, away from the roses.

And then she saw it.

This time it was a smooth, polished black stone. She smiled as she held it in her hand. Opening her pocket, she placed it with all of the other things she had received. A piece of wood shaped like a heart, a leaf that never dried out, an orange feather... All gifts from the fairies.

Oh no, she wasn’t crazy. And she wasn’t pretending, either, no matter what her father might say. She saw them. Even if the didn’t mean her to.

But the fairies loved her roses almost as much as she did. That’s why they always came back, and that’s why they left her gifts.

Something moved in the corner of her eye and she spun her head around just in time to see a sparrow fly off.

Well, they’d tell her she’d only seen a sparrow.

The front door opened and her father stepped onto the porch. “Jane, your good clothes!”

“Oh, I didn’t ruin them,” she assured him. “And I’ll wash my hands as soon as I come in.”

“Come in now, then,” he sighed. “It’s getting dark and you’ve still got to practice the piano before your aunty visits next week.”

Realizing there was no use in arguing, Jane stood up, brushing her hands off on her skirt.

Jane!” her father scolded.

“Sorry…” she said weakly, wincing at her own forgetfulness.

“I don’t like you out there,” he said as she walked in. “You know that. We don’t need a garden. It’s a waste of time.”

“But they like it,” she said softly.

“Who? The neighbours? They don’t like anything.”

“You know who,” Jane said, almost hoping he wouldn’t hear.

Her father sighed. “Aren’t you getting too old for this, Jane? Too old for magic and pretending and… and…”

“Fairytales?”

Yes. Will you practice now?”

Jane nodded, walking over to the piano.

“Wash first.”

Jane sulked off to clean her hands just as she mother walked into the room. “She been in the garden again?”

Her father nodded gravely. “We need to put an end to it. She keeps dirty little things in her pockets thinking that they’re from-”

Her mother shook her head, meaning for him not to finish his thought as Jane walked back into the room and sat on the piano bench.

He took a step towards to mother and whispered, “she’s much too old to believe in fairies.”

Jane played softly for a while, hoping her parents wouldn’t notice she was making up her own tune.

She was grateful that the piano was near the window so she could took out and watch for the little lights darting around outside.

The fairies loved her music, too.

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Disclaimer: I wrote this just now, pretty quickly, so please ignore spelling mistakes and general suckiness :P

--

Harold: loved your story. I'm sure the cat has some symbolizim that I'm just too thick to see, but I really liked it.



last edited over a year ago
over a year ago doonis said…
Totally sorry I haven't participated in any Writer's groups. I've been swamped with schoolwork and been on and off of vacation. I haven't found much time to be on fanpop in general. But this seems fun, and I'll try to post more in the upcoming weeks.
over a year ago l3371 said…
Gonna do something a little different...."N-chan, this is no time for torture.GET THAT THING AWAY FROM ME." A thirteen year old girl made the disturbing Care Bear cock its head."Mommy,why won't you love me.....?"The girl squeaked in an extremely annoying voice.Pam scowled,and turned over."GO....AWAY...." "MOMMY,YOU NEGLECTED ME!" Pam, hearing enough,grabbed a hilariously dull object.She was going to attempt to use it as a weapon."THE CARE BEAR MUST DIE." "NOOOO!" ....Yes. My friend's are really that crazy. The name's have been changed.I hope that's what you were looking for,Harold....A little short,but I hope it'll do!:)
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago harold said…
Marissa, I wanted to provide feedback on your piece.

* you have (or overhear) some very interesting conversations! When I've done this exercise in the past, it's been much more of a study in dialect rhythm, snippets on conversation heard on a bus or in a restaurant - that sort of thing. I liked this.
* It reminded me very strongly of a Doctor Who episode from the new series. I don't know the new series so well that I could tell you the name of the episode, but a little searching for fairies and Doctor Who would find it. It was a good episode, but it colored my appreciation of the story a bit, as I realize I got a sense of menace from the situation that I don't think is actually implied in the story itself.
* I liked the bit with the accidentally wiping the hands on the clothes. That was a nice detail.
* I also liked the idea of a "leaf that never dried out": it's an impractical but wondrous thing, ever so appropriate for a fairy gift.
* I also liked the implication (well, it was implied in my mind, at any rate) that Jane's musical ability is...enhanced...by her contact with the fairies.
* all this said, I can't help coming back to the fact that this is a story concept I've seen multiple times before. While well-crafted, there wasn't anything particularly surprising or different about it, to make it stand out from other "kid believes in fairies, adults scoff" story. The stolid father being so disapproving is especially a trope of this kind of story, usually incorporating an attitude of "whatever she's doing is foolishness...she should be getting back to her studies/needlework/music." Maybe I'm just reaching to find a negative criticism - I really don't have much else besides that.
* There were a few word choice errors, things like "then" instead of "than", that sort of thing, but that's just proofreading. I made some similar errors in my piece (much to my chagrin).
* Especially given that this was based on a conversation rather than a completely original story concept, I think it's great. The writing is very well done, sparse but effective in its description, and the conversation shows what's happening in much of the piece without telling what's happening.

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l3371, my reactions:

* this took a couple of readings for me to grok what the action was. Not bad.
* I enjoyed "a hilariously dull object" - it's like the stage direction in an absurdist drama. It's not important what the object is, so the reader can fill in what it could be. Is it dull as in blunt, or dull as in uninteresting? Very nice.
* It's intriguing to me to wonder what Pam's intended age is. Your editorial comment at the end leads me to believe that they are of a like age, but the way it's written a reader could be forgiven in thinking that Pam is significantly older than the 13-year-old (an elder sister, perhaps?).
* It's a fragment that leaves me wanting more. Any interest in extending this into a longer narrative?
over a year ago l3371 said…
God,you are right on the dot.She's a friend of mine."N-chan" is 13.And they're not sisters. But they're pretty close.I'll think about extending this.Or possibly even get some new material.Thanks for the kind words,Harold!:)