Writing Please read

abbyrockz posted on May 26, 2009 at 12:14AM
What do you think?
This is in memory of Devin Pachenco.
Although we hardly talked,
it still stings.
Not only a fallen Classmate but a fallen
friend.
Another angel in the sky.
Over our heads,
but held in our heart

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over a year ago harold said…
It's good. It's brief. I like how "friend" is its own line, adding tension at the line break and weight to the single word. I'm intrigued by the idea that we share a collective heart, as opposed to "our heads". To me it's clear that you're talking about a death, which is pretty good (if I'm right), considering that the poem never comes out and says "death": you conveyed it indirectly, which is awesome.

The contrast between the repetition of "fallen" and the "angel in the sky" is a little strange to me, for me evoking an emotional response of a fallen angel, which I'm pretty sure is not the intent. It's a bit jarring, going from fallen to "in the sky". "Another" makes it sound like there have been a lot of fallen Classmates of the narrator, as if at a dangerous training academy, where class members risk falling all the time. I'm not sure that the brevity totally works, for me; it feels like there could be a line or two more inserted that would make the transitions a little smoother/understandable.
last edited over a year ago
over a year ago abbyrockz said…
Thankyou.
Even though we werent the best of friends, we were ok. And it hit hard because I had a friend who died the same way a few years back
over a year ago liissaaxx said…
Whoa. Great poem, it's so strong and passionate.
Good job,
I'm sorry about your loss.