It's good. It's brief. I like how "friend" is its own line, adding tension at the line break and weight to the single word. I'm intrigued by the idea that we share a collective heart, as opposed to "our heads". To me it's clear that you're talking about a death, which is pretty good (if I'm right), considering that the poem never comes out and says "death": you conveyed it indirectly, which is awesome.
The contrast between the repetition of "fallen" and the "angel in the sky" is a little strange to me, for me evoking an emotional response of a fallen angel, which I'm pretty sure is not the intent. It's a bit jarring, going from fallen to "in the sky". "Another" makes it sound like there have been a lot of fallen Classmates of the narrator, as if at a dangerous training academy, where class members risk falling all the time. I'm not sure that the brevity totally works, for me; it feels like there could be a line or two more inserted that would make the transitions a little smoother/understandable.
The contrast between the repetition of "fallen" and the "angel in the sky" is a little strange to me, for me evoking an emotional response of a fallen angel, which I'm pretty sure is not the intent. It's a bit jarring, going from fallen to "in the sky". "Another" makes it sound like there have been a lot of fallen Classmates of the narrator, as if at a dangerous training academy, where class members risk falling all the time. I'm not sure that the brevity totally works, for me; it feels like there could be a line or two more inserted that would make the transitions a little smoother/understandable.
last edited over a year ago